So remember all that Ho, ho, ho-ing? Jingle bell rocking? Present wrapping? Cookie baking? Complete freaking out because you totally forgot to get Aunt Dorene a present because you thought she divorced your uncle but it turns out they are actually still together and are newly devote Buddhist monks?
Oh wait that didn’t happen in your house? Shame. It didn’t happen in mine either but if it did it would have made an awesome blog post.
So maybe you forgot all that chaos, all the months of planning, and all the $$ you spent (don’t worry Visa will kindly remind you). I know it didn’t cross my mind until I was looking through my photos and realizing I won’t be using all my holiday decor pics in any new posts.
And honestly how could you remember when every single magazine is reminding you, yes you with the bag of chips on the couch drinking a calorie-laden caramel mocha frappacino, that you need to loose the bulge and fast! It’s freaking January and that means you have to loose all that weight chubba-lubb!
Let’s check out Brooke Burke here on the Jan issue of SHAPE as an example:
Do you have those abs? No? Thankfully SHAPE will grant you FREE workout cards (aka pieces of paper I will look at and then completely forget about) to show you how you can look sexy in your metallic bathing suit too – score! And don’t fret because you are also able to drop 10 lbs by next month! Yup next month, you can’t eat any of the fabulous dessert recipes advertisers shoved in your face last month, but don’t worry you’ll be fine. And while you’re sweating your ass off at the gym and eating carrots, your boyfriend is going to be eating a cheeseburger, drinking a Coors Light while watching porn. Fan-freaking-tastic.
Speaking of men, let’s see what their mags are advertising:
Threesomes, beers, football, and hoverboards – standard. And surprisingly their cover girl actually has more clothes on then our good friend Brooke. Then again Olivia here looks like she just rolled out of your little brother’s college bedroom, so lets be happy she even put a shirt on.
Listen here ladies magazines, I know January is the season for news years resolutions which oftentimes includes weight loss and healthy living goals. But can you not have those proclamations sprayed across all your covers the month directly following a season where advertisers detail all the ways we can include butter and cream in every dish for the holidays.
How about a little balance instead? Or at least throw us a little sarcasm with cover story on “Yea your boyfriend’s eating deep fried Twinkies and still can loose weight faster than you, but at least you can read this overly simplified article where you will see false claims to loosing weight in an insanely fast way”
Can you see why I wasn’t meant for a sales position?